It’s funny, how these feelings overcome you in the middle of the day. Where you just have to stop and take a breather. As much as you want to go forward and be reassured that someone’s always watching your back, the truth is there isn’t. As many friends you have the more vulnerable your weak points are. Cause you’ve let so many others alter your life, for good or for bad, you’re not going to know. Yet, it’s funny that the most important people to you happens to drift away. One person leaves, and then the other follows because they’ve found something else to fill their time. It’s not that they mean to put you to the side or anything, its what you call time. Time changes everything and with it your sense of direction is alter. Depending on the people close to you in times of needs or weakness isn’t always an option. And lately everyone has been racing forward, they take quick, rapid steps and are way too fast for me to even catch my breath. And somehow i’m able to walk forward but it still feels horrible. I know it’s not anyone’s fault in particular, I just wish that maybe things didn’t have to end up this way. I wish that you would always need me but that’s another white lie I tell myself. Cause the truth is your going to be alone one day, friends come and go, parents exit your world (not today, but sometime in the future), and you just keep growing and growing till a ripe old age where you wither away. The truth is that this feeling feels way senile for me, I can’t accept it even if things have to be like this.
graduated high school. kissed someone. gotten so drunk you passed out. collected something really stupid. gone fishing. watched four movies in one night. gone long periods of time without sleep. lied to someone. snorted cocaine. failed a class. dealt drugs. been in a car accident. been in a cyclone. done drugs. watched someone die. been to a funeral. burned yourself.. (not on purpose.) cried yourself to sleep. spent over $200 in one day. flown on a plane. written a 10 page letter. gone skiing. been sailing. had a best friend. lost someone you loved. shoplifted something. been to jail. dangerously close to being in jail. had detention. skipped school. got in trouble for something you didn’t do. gone to a different country dropped out of a school. been in a mental hospital. been close to going into a mental hospital. watched the “harry potter” movies. had an online diary. fired a gun. gambled in a casino. had a yard sale. had a lemonade stand. actually made money at the lemonade stand. been in a play. taken a lie detector test. swam with dolphins. gone to sea world. voted for someone on a reality tv show read more than 20 books a year used a coloring book over age 12. gone to Europead stitches. taken a taxi. seen the Washington Monument. had more than 5 im’s/online conversations going at once. overdosed. almost overdosed. had a drug or alcohol problem. been in a fist fight. used a credit card. gone surfing in California. done “spirit day” at school dyed your hair. gotten a tattoo. had something pierced. gotten straight a’s. known someone with hiv or aids. started a fire. gotten caught having/going to a party while parents were gone. gotten a hickey.
Its really hard to stay calm especially when you have to see them everyday and deal with their bullshit. The fact that they treat you underneath you, like your an ant compared to them makes it even hard. Especially when your going through some facts, they just amplify the situation 10x worse. I guess there’s really no helping this situation but who knows if you can stay calm. Dancings suppose to be fun not a war zone. But hell im ready to make it one and shoot a little bird outta da sky x)
THE APS ARE OVER. THE APS ARE OVER. Praise the end of lock down tests with no water bottles or snacks. Praise the fact that we don’t have to sit in chairs that are so sift or rooms too silent you can hear a pen drop. Praise the fact that we don’t need to worry about our scores until the 3rd week of July. Praise the fact that spring is here and Summer’s just around the corner. Can you be any happier? And yet, I can’t be happy. There are tons of things to accomplish and no matter how hard we try, we are humans, and we just cannot possible finish everything on time. Even so, we try, we aim for that prefection, yet we can’t grasp it. So, when I finally feel the need to do something that involves movement and culture it gets shot down like a bird in the sky. Honey, its not your forte or your area where you’ve suddenly become an expert on. And when you shoot others down in the sky, and you raise like the lonely bird you are over the other ones, spreading your wings magnificently hoping that maybe somebody will see. Everyone will turn the other way and leave you in that sky. Just like the other bird…im hoping….
Have you ever listened to somebody sing? I mean really listen to the words that their pouring out, have you? Have you tried to understand their pain and yet you tried so hard you couldn’t. But with every sound they made you can feel their emotions whether it be the saddness thats seeps out of them from all the difficulties in their life, or the joyous moments that make you so happy you want to burst into tears? Have you ever been able to hear the conversation between the two instruments like the guitars, the drums, piano, etc.? Where the aderline is so raw and connected, you wouldn’t want to break the bond? Its makes you feel something doesn’t it? Even when their screaming on stage those players or singers are showing you piece of their souls. Can you see it? It bathes in that light, shimmering with a special kind of glow. Yet, the music today has lost that quality that special glow where you want to listen over and over…sometimes. And other times its there hidden behind all of societys pressure. This question always remains though even if we listen can we hear them? I can. Can you?
Sleep. Eat. Breathe. Calculus. No wait AP CALCULUS AB. Ha, isn’t that a joke, to think you’ll stand a chance on test day is an ever bigger joke. Derivatives, integrals, lets not forget our trig functions and our trapezoidal sums, but wait don’t bother your still going to guess on at least 60% of the test. If someone could have told me that, I wouldn’t have wasted a trendemous amount of energy on studying. Yes, its hard, fear for it. Its only part 1 on my journey of the fearful aps. The question is can we make it this far and still survive, not bothering to look over our shoulders and worry what next can they throw at us. You bet I can! I’ve realize no amount of studying can prepare you for the work load of questions they throw at you. It’d take a miracle to just get 50% of the test right. So note to all late nighters trying to study, don’t bother to consume wasted energy toward something that in the end won’t be on the test. Don’t pressure yourself and lastly do not get upset over it, it’s just a test, nothing more nothing less.
Dear Calculus, I’ve decided that you are not worth the trouble or the hassle of preparing for. It os with great plessure I must tell you thay I do not fear your exam. I am not as smart as the students who will obtain a 5 nor am I a student that works hard for a 2. It is okay still, I will obtaina grade of 1 no less no more. Then I will try my hand at my final. Then… I CAN FINALLY SAY GOODBYE. Calculus how I hate you so!